Monday, November 12, 2018

Using My Voice- The First Post

Today I sat in church and took my normal Sunday afternoon outline notes. Yes, I am the girl that you will find doodling and taking excessive notes during the sermon. As I sat there next to my husband who finds my doodling and note taking a little strange, I wrote a few words down that hit me like a freight train. 

Do you have an unfinished assignment from God? 

I mean talk about a question to be asked on a Sunday morning only half way through your first cup of coffee. Now, for me this question got my brain going a million different directions. My note taking stopped. My doodling stopped. I was completely taken aback by this question. My own questions started to come in at rapid fire  pace. Was I using my god given gifts to serve others in an impactful way? Am I too consumed with making a name for myself rather than making a difference? Do I even know what my god given gifts are? And what the heck is my assignment from God? 

To be honest, I didn't like my answers. 

I have built a platform through my business adventures over the past couple years. It has gone through different stages. Some of those phases being fun, a real hoot you could say, and some of them being miserable.

I have felt a little lost the past couple months with what to do with the platform. Not sure which direction to go and what the next step for me is. 

Something you should know about me right off the bat. I am a DREAMER but I am not always a DOER. Yup, I am one of those people. You know the ones right? The people that are always sharing with you their big ambitions and how they are going to change not only their lives but going to change the world. You hear them talk, you get excited for them to the point where you start dreaming big for you self. But then.... well then real life hits. I have 100% certainty in my abilities to make an IMPACT and  to become a success in what ever I put my mind too. There lays the problem... my mind! 

Another thing I should probably fill you in on is the fact that I suffer from anxiety and depression. That subject is for another day though. Trust me we will discuss that more. I have let that hinder my progression for many years. I start something, something that I know I can do and do great and I ALLOW that anxiety and depression to hold me back. Hold me back from completion. Why? Maybe, I am afraid of what success actually looks like for me? Will I be able to handle it? Will people accept me on my bad days when I brought them in on a good day?

We all struggle with it. The voice that tells us that we are not good enough. That we don't deserve the success and happiness that we desire. The difference for some people is the ability to persevere to the other side of those thoughts. Don't get me wrong, some days I kick ass. I mean I really dominate the industry I am in and I kill the mom and wife game. That's the thing about depression though. There is no rhyme or reason to when it hits you. I could be having an absolute amazing day. I mean everything is going right and then all of a sudden it's like my mind takes a sick day and decides to check out for the day. 

I realized something though. When it hits me the hardest is when I am the closest to making an impact, to putting my feet where my mouth is and getting to work on my dreams. See what I realized is that I do in fact know my God given assignment. It's simple... I have been given the ability and the platform to make a difference. I have been given a VOICE and I have been given something to talk about. They say that the closer you are to doing God's work or something that is in God's favor the more opposition you will get. 

I get so caught up in knowing what is at the end, what is in store for me if I keep going a certain direction. The thing is when you are doing God's work you will NEVER know the ending. 

We started studying the book of Haggai this Sunday in church. Again, if I am going to be transparent with you I have NEVER heard of this particular book before; let alone had I studied it.

Something that stuck out to me as Pastor Scott was speaking were 3 simple steps. 
1) Go to the Mountains
2) Bring down the timber 
3) Build my house 

Now my brain was on over drive and I was thinking to myself okay so I get the three steps but what happens in between and after those three steps. I want all the details before I start. 

The steps after don't matter. We are responsible for the obedience, not the outcome. 

So this blog is my first step of obedience. We live in a society that is driven by technology and influenced by social media. I have started a platform already and I guess its about time I put it to good use. 

I am going to share with you in this blog my authentically FLAWSOME self. Somedays that might mean getting real emotional and other days that might mean I share with you some things that give me joy! 

Ok lets stop and be real.... I have no idea what you should expect from this blog. All I know is that I am starting it! 

Now... if you made it all the way to the end of this, THANK YOU. Thank you for taking the time to read it and hopefully you will continue to be with me on this journey!


  1. So many things I can relate to in this. Thank you for writing it, and can't wait to see more.
    I have struggled for many years with stress and anxiety, which is what the doctors said caused my epilepsy. And because of the epilepsy I have experienced depression (almost suicidal at some points) that I would wish on no one. (We won't get into that one either.)But I can't believe how much I have grown through it all and am coming out stronger on the other side. I am still struggling because my dream is unattainable physically and no longer my dream, and everything I worked and paid for I can't do now. So I feel like I am starting over in high school at 33.... can't wait to drive again and have my own car and get a job! The simple freedoms I used to take for granted and not really appreciate very much, I would love to have now.

    One book, I read a little over a year ago and always go back to is "Anxious for Nothing" by Max Lucado
    Whenever I start feeling anxious to have a life and be normal, it helps me remember God has a plan, and right here right now is where He wants me. Like you said, its hard to accept without knowing details and destinations, but the other alternative is living in misery and depression, so I have to let go and trust God.
    I can't physically do the things I used to so am trying to relearn the internet world (since I have not kept up very well and my brain is finally starting to work again) but you have been an inspiration to me and an encouragement to keep dreaming and use my gifts wherever and however I can. So THANK YOU!

    1. Oh my goodness Jessica, Thank you so much for that. You have no idea what that means to me. I have watched you go thru your struggles over the years and have felt nothing but inspired by you. You have not let the cards you have been dealt determine who you are as a person! God only gives us as much as we can handle and nothing more. There is a story that you are writing through this hardship and who knows you might find a bigger dream on the other side. Keep your head up girl and let me know if you ever need to talk! <3

  2. Welcome to the blogging universe! I can't wait to read more!

    1. Megan thank you!! I just went and checked out your blog and I am fangirling even more know! You are so extremely talented and I look forward to diving more into your blog and getting to know you! <3

  3. Love your blog. Your gift is your honest sharing. Keep it up.

    1. Thank you, Cathy! You have always been such an amazing supporter and I can not thank you enough for that! <3


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